08.26.08 07:25AM by Amos
In relation to helping friends sort out personal problems, though I suppose this could be used for any general situation, though if we were to get clinical “friends” and “personal problems” are as general as it gets.
01: For God’s Sake Don’t Do It
Chances are you’re just as fucked up as they are. Keep your mouth shut and listen. If your friend is desperate enough they may back you into a corner with a direct appeal to your better judgement. You probably don’t have better judgement as you arrived at the conversation by way of fucking your best friend’s boyfriend, but you’re in a jam at this point so you can…
02: Leave Your Ego Behind
Could be you got it all figured out. No puzzles for you. No mysteries. Your life is all frosty cupcakes and juice boxes. Fine, you’re probably involved in heavy delusions if you think this so, but, for the sake of the hypothetical, you’re shitting golden eggs, and speaking words is the only option you have left then you need to leave your ego behind before you spit them out.
You’re not the buddy Messiah dropped down from heaven to deliver personal salvation, and your words are not proceeded by a choir of naked cherubs humming soft Hallelujahs. Truth is this person probably won’t even remember the context or content of this incident come next Tuesday. What they will remember is you were there. You showed up, but you can’t do this if your ego is riding around on horseback bellowing Braveheart speeches. Ditch the ego. The more your conversation becomes about you the less effective you become to them.
03: Ask Questions. Don’t Answer Them
Listen, the truth is you don’t know how to fucking solve their problem so don’t try to. If you think it’s your job to give an answer chances are you’ll give a bad one. Resist the temptation to complete the project. Instead, tease the answer outta them with questions.
We’re all been there before. Someone yodels for a hour droning on about this and that and at the end of their monologue they’ve got their answer. You’ve done nothing to facilitate this except suffer. That’s what friends do. We suffer each other happily.
Nine times outta ten your friend knows how to handle their problem. There’s a good chance it’s the same problem they had three months ago. They come to you because they’re constipated, and have not yet implement the solution they already have. Therefore, your job is to ask questions and unclog the pipes. You’re not giving advice. You’re helping them remember they already have the answer.
04: Nod Your Head Frequently and Mirror Their Emotions
If this a particularly troublesome issue you’re dealing with the session could take awhile. You don’t really want to be there. You’d rather be drunk, or mowing the yard, or driving the mower drunk, whatever, anywhere but listening to this person talk in looping circles.
So nod a lot and make like a monkey. Do what they do, like Simon Says. They throw up their hands. You throw up your hands. They rub their eyes. You rub your eyes. This isn’t mockery. It’s self-preservation. They’ll be so wrapped up in their own shit they’re not gonna notice anyway, and you’ll find it helps keep you engaged in the process.
05: Don’t Do It
It’s the essential step and bears repeating. If you can get away with it, then don’t give advice. Keep your mouth shut and listen. You’re flawed. They’re flawed. Everyone’s flawed, and everyone’s looking for connection. So give it to them. This doesn’t require advice. It just requires that you shut up, sit up straight, resist vomiting your flaws into the soup you’re both making, and be present with the person.
Everyone’s a fucking expert these days, which is fine. We make it easy enough so I don’t really blame anyone for taking advantage of the situation, blogs, twitter, and so forth, and I enjoy a reality where I can bag hedge fund advice from a car mechanic in Hoboken. This appeals to my populist sensibilities.
But do yourself and everyone a favor and resist the magnificent illusion. Once you’ve succumbed to the charms of your grandiosity you lose the ability to empathize and connect with folks in meaningful ways. So if you’re call on to give advice don’t, but if you have to then let them work their way to an answer by asking questions, and if that doesn’t work and they’re begging for something then make it up.
It’s what we’re all doing anyway, just make it up. Pretend you’re the Monk on the Mountain, what would she say? “And this too shall pass.” It’s fucking pat advice, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all about the connection, and your friend will just be happy you showed up to listen.
advice + connection + friends + love + Weblog
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